Bed by... 11?

This past weekend I went to Ottawa’s first “Bed by Ten” event with some friends. We bought the tickets back in November when they first came out, and I later heard they sold out within a couple of weeks.

It was held at what used to be the original “On Tap.” For those of us old enough to remember the wood beams and creaky floors—and if you were like me in the ’90s, quite a bit of underage drinking that definitely never happened there—it brought back memories.

The place has been a few different venues over the years, and I distinctly remember going there for my bachelorette party the first time I got married. I remember this particularly well because I was caught drinking whisky from a flask in the bathroom and was forced to dump it out. A tragic loss. Truly. A moment of silence, please.

The décor is basically the same as it was 22 years ago on that fateful whisky-wasting night. The lighting is dim enough that you can’t see the grime, and they still have ad posters in the bathroom from 2012. They also clearly don’t believe in paying for heat or hot water because, until the venue filled up, it was FREEZING—and all night the tap water was ice cold.

Okay, so I’m going to go through the pros and cons of Bed by Ten.

Let’s start with the cons…

1.     Have we not yet reached an age where bartenders can simply be men or women without requiring them to wear skin-tight white dresses? Bartending can be messy, and a white dress that barely covers your ass seems like a questionable uniform choice. These young women spent more time pulling their bodycon dresses down than they did actually serving drinks. Not to mention the open-toed strappy shoes—I mean, come on. They were each one bottle cap away from needing major stitches.

2.     While we’re on the bartenders… for all three of them—three bar stations and one bartender at each—it must have been their first night. They could barely open a beer. At one point we ordered ten beers for our group, and I reached over and opened the bottles one by one faster than she could. She looked a bit gobsmacked. I’m not sure these young ladies had much experience, and honestly I wanted to jump over the bar and give them a hand. It was painful to watch.

3.     The venue was not prepared for the expectations of a 30+ crowd who, for the most part, never leave their sofas. This is our one night out this decade, and we have standards. Beer was about $18—and they ran out just as the “shots shots shots” song was playing, with two hours still to go before the 9 p.m. last call. When we arrived, I asked for a gin martini and the bartender didn’t know how to make one. Fine—I’m flexible—so I asked for a vodka soda. About an hour and a half later, all she had left to mix with was pineapple juice. Again, flexible… but I do NOT recommend vodka and pineapple juice. If I were a shots kind of girl I might have switched, but even the shots were served in large cups.

4.     If you wanted a table, it was going to cost between $300 and $1,000. Come on people, this is Ottawa, not Vegas! The bottle service—with glow sticks—definitely gave Vegas vibes though, and you could get one of those cheesy glowing bottles for $200–$700. Honestly, some people clearly have more money than sense.

Now let’s talk about the pros…

1.     It’s a dance club, so if you want to get out and dance, it’s the perfect spot. There were so many people dancing and it was fantastic. Our group certainly worked off the pineapple juice and overpriced beers.

2.     Standing outside in line—reminiscent of our youth—was a great reminder of why we don’t do that anymore. If nostalgia is your thing but you’d prefer to stay warm, here’s a tip: get a disco ball, stand outside your house in heels and a short skirt for 20 minutes. It’ll take you right back.

3.     The biggest pro of all was the pure joy. There were several moments when my friends and I looked around and all you could see were smiling, happy faces. Not the falling-down, makeup-running, hair-flattening, hammered joy of our youth. Real joy. Somewhere between sober and tipsy (you’d need about 30 of the half-watered-down shots they were serving to actually get drunk). This pro is worth about ten points on its own. Seeing that many people dancing, singing, and genuinely having fun was really what the whole thing was about. Our experience was the same—dancing and laughing with friends. What could be more joyful?

Bed by Ten… well, we took the party next door to Joey’s. I shared some appetizers (not the shawarma or poutine of yesteryear, but OMG so good) with Douche, and he and I laughed harder than I have in a while. My daughter showed up just after 10 and told me it was time to go home. Even that was joyful.

Would I do it again? Maybe.

Would I bring a flask full of whisky and be smarter about it?

Absolutely!